Look At This Madness

As much as I’d love for the house to be pristine at all hours of the day, it isn’t. And recently, I’ve learned that this is perfectly OK. Just five years ago, I refused to go to sleep unless the house looked flawless and the sink was completely empty. Every surface had to be wiped down, every toy put away, every last dish cleaned. Now, we go to sleep most nights with a sink full of dishes and at least one part of the house in total disarray. Sometimes it’s a carefully arranged doll village set up in my room. Other times it’s glitter and tiny cut-up pieces of paper scattered across the playroom floor, a fort taking over the living room, or some wildly elaborate animal-and-blanket fortress creeping up the stairs. And honestly? That’s okay. On the bright side, the sink is full of dishes because we ate good food together. The doll village exists because my daughters are creating stories, imagining family dynamics, and bonding as sisters. The glitter and scraps of paper mean they’re experim...

  I’m pretty sure I just saw the man of my dreams… And now he’s gone… Forever. I was at the post office getting money orders when a handsome cowboy walks in right behind me.   He had a nice brown cowboy hat, blue button up shirt, some rather nice fitting jeans and boots, of course. At that moment I realized something….. I should probably start dressing better. I was wearing a Lion King sweatshirt with black cutoff shorts and sandals. Not even cute sandals, they were basically slides but for a boat. If that makes sense. I stood there in line, trying to look as confident and pretty as possible, but you can only be so pretty with your hair in a bun wearing a sweatshirt and grungy shorts.   I made attempts to steal glances at him, but he didn’t notice. It wasn’t long until I was called up to the cashier and was then having to socialize with the cashier while he printed my money orders.   The cowboy was right beside me with the other teller and all I could do was try to s...

     What...a..day... I turn my car on to leave to drop my daughter off at school and of course the light signaling a flat tire comes on. I get out and check the tires, they looked good enough to keep driving, so I did. Fingers crossed it's just the cooler weather causing the air to contract.  My oil change notification has also been on my dash for the last week, which I've been utterly in denial of - you don't want to know how little money I have in my bank account and after all of this, for SOME REASON I thought it would be a good idea to buy some hair dye -  it wasn't.  I dyed my hair this morning and mistakenly used two times the correct amount of developer than I should have.  After wondering how I had so much leftover dye AND why my scalp was BURNING,   it all came full circle when I discovered the 1:1 ratio I should have used, was in fact 1:2. Thirty minutes in and about to wash this stuff out, I realize I've made a huge mistake....

  Hey Target I’m calling you out. Can you please explain to me your little girl's section? Why does the majority look like 90s clothing from a TEEN movie? For 5-12-year-olds to wear? Why should this age group be encouraged to wear a pencil skirt or a skin-tight dress? What about the cropped tops? In what world should a 5-12-year-old be encouraged to wear a bustier-styled top? Or a dress with netting? It is sad to say in THIS world.   Dear Target you are a part of the problem with society. TARGETING the children. Making 10-year-olds dress like young adults with hemlines far shorter than a 5-12-year-old should wear. Hemlines and necklines that teens and 20 something’s are wearing to go out. Styles are far too identical to the “juniors” section, once again, targeting teens and young adults. So now the style from 5-20 something’s are the same? I was almost struggling to differentiate little girls from the lady’s section. There are dress styles you would find women wearing while wa...

Back in July, life threw a curveball and I wound up pregnant, quite surprisingly, again. You know when society (and the box it comes in) says the morning after pill works as long as you take it within 72 hours? Well, I took it 12 hours later and it didn’t work. I thought I was being responsible for preventing pregnancy and it turns out life had other plans, and that’s okay. But those of you who would implode if they got pregnant, NEVER use plan B/ the morning after pill. I did some research and found if you ovulate within that window before you take the pill, it essentially becomes ineffective if there are some strong swimmers in there. So $40 later that tiny little thing was pointless. I was about 4 weeks along the process when I figured out what was happening. My period was late, which it had been for the last 5 months due to stress I presume, but something inside me said it wasn’t just a late period. I had an old test lying around. It was about 6am and I decided to take it before my...

  I am a firm believer in the statement you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, now more than ever. I also believe whole-heartedly, the first step to success is believing in yourself. Once you do that, there is so much power in being aware of your potential and doing anything you can to reach your goals.  Two and a half years ago I was very unhappy and felt more lost than I possibly ever had. I knew what I wanted but I had no idea how to get there. My daughter and I lived with my mom, I had little money, was not driving my own car, and was not living my passion. My daughter was honestly the only thing that kept me going.  There are three valuable keys I learned: Confidence, asking questions, and talking to people. They say fake it 'til you make it and I did just that. I was morbidly insecure about everything but I'd put on a smile and a good conversation and you'd never know.  Fast forward to today, I'm 24 years old, I have my own two-bedroom apartment, I w...

Over the course of three days I grabbed a coffee to-go in support of a small business, went on a small walk with my daughter, went to the grocery store and captured all of these photos. This is not okay. In preventing sickness the citizens are trashing the city to prevent trashing their lungs from the virus. My advice: You have most likely been sitting on your a$$ all day in quarantine, so take advantage of the 50-100 feet walk over to the trash can that's right by the door or just inside. Little hint, taking your gloves off once you get in your car and tossing them on the ground doesn't do much when you have already unlocked your vehicle wearing the same gloves. Not to mention the groceries that are in your car have probably been touched by 5 other people before they were in your cart. Here's another bright idea, keep a reusable grocery bag in your car when you go out, put your gloves in that, and toss it in the city provided trash bins when you get home. Be polite...

To the person who stole my phone: That little girl on the screensaver is my daughter, she’s two and a half. I work from home, a majority from my phone so I can raise her myself and not send her to daycare. I wake up early and work before she wakes up, I work during her naps and after she goes to sleep at night. I don’t have a college education. I don’t have a fancy car and I have the cheapest line of cell phone service from Walmart.  When you took my phone I lost photos of my daughter and important notes. I lost client information, phone numbers and photo content. What you gave me? Optimism. It could have been worse. You could have stolen my laptop, which has missing keys from my daughter picking them off. You could have stolen my car, which would prevent me from driving to the post office and UPS nearly every day for one of my clients.  Believe me, I know life can be hard and frankly I am sorry that yours has gotten to the point where you have to steal someone's pho...

Finding a sense of self identity as a solo mom can be hard. I've been struggling to figure out what makes me happy, aside from my daughter. So I took a moment and asked myself, when am I happy? Whenever I'm outside. So Fourth of July morning my daughter (who will be two on Sunday!!!!) and I hiked up to Pumpkin Rock, in Norco. I only fell on my arse once on the downhill. Definitely did not sit there a moment pretending I did it on purpose in case anyone was watching.  I have taken two different ways up the hill and both are pretty steep. Generally, I don't know if I would recommend this hike to moms with two year olds for that reason. Along with the fact there is a lot of broken glass mixed in with the sand at the top. I don't know about your child, but mine loves to throw sand. If you have good shoes on and know how to make proper foot placements then definitely go fo it though. Ella had a blast and so did I.  Moving along...  Truth be told, the nasty thi...

Just a heads up, this post is going to be personal... And this photo accurately sums up how I feel about the pill.  I started taking the pill around 16 years old to regulate my periods. Since then, I have taken it on and off for the last 6 years. Each time, it has had a pretty negative impact. They tell you it takes 3 months to adjust and though this might be true, I am 100% certain some of us will never adjust, take myself for example, after being on the pill for 7 months this go around.  "Are you taking it at the same time every day?" YES. I have an alarm set. Now that that is answered, lets move along.  Here are some side effects I experienced from taking the pill and how they have changed in the 3 weeks I have been off of it.  1. Extreme depression, mood swings, lots of crying. I had days where I literally did not want to live. All I could do was sit on the couch and hate my life, wanting to end it. This might sound extreme but every bit is...

What have I done I'm feeling so down When will this end When will my life begin I feel so trapped My head is screaming The voices all around There's so much sound What will I be? What will I do? Go left, go write Which one is right? "Creative doesn't pay" "Medical is needed" "Sell this for me" "Why isn't it working?" "I need a painter" "Do what's best for you" What is best for me? Who am I anymore So long self identity I used to know I used to believe There used to be hope Now I just hope it ends What is the point? Live to work Send off your love Hello baby sitter My heart is hers And oh does it hurt To know to survive There must be so much sacrifice Am I wasted potential? How do I believe? I want to believe in me I want to see What am I meant for? What am I meant to do? More than just struggle? More than be a mother? More than this shitty room? In this shitty house...

When you think of taking your toddler to the beach it can either stir excited feelings or fill you with dread. As a single parent you have to be creative sometimes, especially if you and your tike are going to the beach solo. But trust me, it is possible. I take my daughter with me everywhere, nothing stops us. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful to a first time parent, like myself. 1. Don't overpack! Your arms can only hold so much, and odds are, one of those things will be your toddler. Parenting at all is almost a circus act. I am often amazed at how much my two arms can hold. Bringing an umbrella, a stroller, extra towels, or an icebox is kind of overkill though. It's not like you'll be there for five hours, little ones can only take so much. If anything bring a medium sized towel for the kid. If it is just the two of you, I guarentee the likelihood of a two-ish-year-old sitting happily still while you go swimming is pretty much impossible. 2. Do br...

Dating someone for the first time after a terrible break up can be fun yet also terrifying. After splitting with my daughter's father I took a year to focus on my daughter and me and remained male free (well mostly).  After the year was up a guy I had previously dated found his way back into my life and we started back up again. I had no walls, no second thoughts, no lock on my heart. He was pretty good with my daughter. Never harsh with her, just shy and mildly uninvolved. I figured he would adjust. It felt like we had a future, after all, we had dated before. I wasn't scared. I gave him all of me and in return, months later he said he never saw a future for us because my daughter was not his. To say it bluntly, DICK MOVE. It hurt. I can't imagine stringing someone along for months only to tell them it was never going to work because of an innocent child not being theres. My daughter and I are much better off without him, to say the least. Unfortunately, this one left ...

At the end of the day I hold her tight before laying my daughter down for sleep. We say a prayer and I tell her to "give mama kisses." We give kisses and down she goes. I walk out quietly, close the door and sigh. It is usually around 9pm, not 7:30pm like everyone else seems to stick with. But I am okay with that. Most of the time I go to sleep right after putting her down. As long as I know she isn't going to wake back up from the light noise of me getting in bed across from her crib. Throughout the night we wake each other up so often I end up on the couch, which is okay too. The day usually starts around 5:30 am - 6 am. I roll out of bed (or couch) and make us both spinach and eggs or tofu for breakfast, about halfway through the process she wakes up. "Mama!" I pause to make sure I did in fact here her call. "Mama!" Some mornings she even wakes up singing my name in her own little melody. She always has to have her "baby" in her ar...

My uncle passed away last year so my aunt is having an estate sale and moving back to Scotland, where she is from. My mom and her friend were at the house organizing the sale with my aunt. Because I was working this morning, my daughter Ella was with them as well. After working a couple of hours, my sister and I met up at the house and we all went to grab lunch. Little did I know what was about to happen on the car ride over. Ella was quiet on the quick drive, a normal thing. But when I got out of the car and went around to open Ella's door, she had managed to take Aunties (my sister's) lipstick with her and got it EVERYWHERE. Of course it was a red tube of lipstick, so it was almost terrifying to see when I opened her door. I may have screamed. (definitely screamed). We laughed about it, cleaned her up as best as we could and went inside the restaurant. Towards the end of the meal Ella was getting fussy, as she needed a nap after playing with two Scottish Terrier...

She stands in front of them, a boy about 8 and a girl around 10. The boy and girl are sitting in chairs waiting while she rarely stays still. At a one and a half, she is a social butterfly full of hugs, waves and smiles. She stands there waving with an ear to ear grin, "Hi." Nothing. She pats the girls knee, still smiling. Nothing. The girl looks up for a moment and a glimmer of hope appears in the toddler's eyes, but the moment is over as the girl and boy continue to stare zombified... ...into cell phones. Whether you realize it or not, cell phones are going to continue to weaken society. All the toddler wanted was a friendly human interaction and it seems so much of society has forgotten what that is. Enjoying someones company is not getting together and staring at your phones. With that said, it is angering to see little babies and toddlers zombified with cell phones while mommy is at the grocery store or the mall. Phones should NEVER be used as a baby sitte...

You can never have to much... 1. Coffee If it were humanly possible to replace all my liquid intake with just coffee, I would do it. All day, Every day. 2. Nestle Pure Life Not only did this water test to have the last amount of plastic particles as any bottled water, but it is also a neutral ph, which makes it the best option when you're on a budget, like me! 3. Baby kisses and giggles Baby kisses and giggles might be two of my favorite things. I could listen to my daughter laugh all day. 4. Panties I mean, come on, do I even have to explain this one? 5. Bralettes Since I stopped nursing, my boobs have gotten a lot smaller then they were, even before I had my daughter. I am currently on a bralette binge, because, who wants under-wrire? I don't. 6. Bobby pins Being a mom to a one and a half year old means you have to be quick when you get ready in the morning. My go to is taking my front bang and bobby pinning it back, a messy bun, or french braids. all if which r...

Inside my head I'm screaming the noise never stops I am tired of feeling like an issue tissue after tissue I cry they think to themselves why why why? They place ideas and concepts on who they want me to be or who they think I am They are so scared  they don't even see the real me standing right here being open and honest and real I try to tell them how I feel And all of a sudden before I can finish these things are an issue I am not doing anything wrong I am trying my best to stay so strong I have a beautiful daughter who matters to me most and even that is put into question I am starting to feel more lost  I am closing the walls feel like they are caving they don't even see what I am craving I want to be close I want them to know who I am and want to be or at least help while I am on the way there I feel scared I want to raise her  while also succeeding how can I do both? we need to get away I don...

Where have you gone? I miss you I miss the feeling I miss the high I keep thinking you'll come back And capture me like you used to Give me hope Make me smile Make me feel invincible You've been gone a while now Our longest separation And it's killing me I used to feel free You made me feel alive Now I feel lost and unsure I feel run down And tired Don't worry though I am happier now Despite the lack of you I am happier I know you'll come back When the timing is right I will write I will feel you coursing my mind and body Until then I will miss you And wait

Being a mom has made me... more confident stronger want to live a healthy lifestyle feel inspired laugh cry realize how far I have come realize how far I have to go struggle at times forget what sleep was a baby person more caring willing to sacrifice feel more complete than I knew was possible forget about me at times love baby giggles more than anything more understanding more considerate want to exercise want to live my best life happy a better person.