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Hiking Uphill


Finding a sense of self identity as a solo mom can be hard. I've been struggling to figure out what makes me happy, aside from my daughter. So I took a moment and asked myself, when am I happy?

Whenever I'm outside. So Fourth of July morning my daughter (who will be two on Sunday!!!!) and I hiked up to Pumpkin Rock, in Norco. I only fell on my arse once on the downhill. Definitely did not sit there a moment pretending I did it on purpose in case anyone was watching. 

I have taken two different ways up the hill and both are pretty steep. Generally, I don't know if I would recommend this hike to moms with two year olds for that reason. Along with the fact there is a lot of broken glass mixed in with the sand at the top. I don't know about your child, but mine loves to throw sand. If you have good shoes on and know how to make proper foot placements then definitely go fo it though. Ella had a blast and so did I.  Moving along... 

Truth be told, the nasty thing known as depression has had it's fighting grasp on me for the last two years. Half the time I'm more confused than anything. Why do I feel like this? I have a beautiful daughter, I don't pay rent, I am not living on the street nor do I have any serious health condition. My life is pretty good. 

At the same time, I feel lost, terrified, confused, hopeless, weak, for reasons we don't need to get into right now. Everyone around you tells you what they think you should do and 90% of the time it is not all so constructive (the 10% is mainly my boyfriend, who always knows the right thing to say). 

My doctor prescribed me two different anti depressants and anti anxiety medications, none of which I took. I am determined to find happiness within myself, not from taking a pill. With that said, to each their own. I take anti anxiety pills as needed, so I am not against them, nor ashamed. 

So here we are, on the road to self discovery and finding joy in the life that I have. Gosh that sounds cheesy, but really though.

I don't know if anyone who is reading this might be going through a similar battle, but you are not alone. It will get better. Believe in yourself. 

What makes you happy? 

Do it. 


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