Look At This Madness

What have I done I'm feeling so down When will this end When will my life begin I feel so trapped My head is screaming The voices all around There's so much sound What will I be? What will I do? Go left, go write Which one is right? "Creative doesn't pay" "Medical is needed" "Sell this for me" "Why isn't it working?" "I need a painter" "Do what's best for you" What is best for me? Who am I anymore So long self identity I used to know I used to believe There used to be hope Now I just hope it ends What is the point? Live to work Send off your love Hello baby sitter My heart is hers And oh does it hurt To know to survive There must be so much sacrifice Am I wasted potential? How do I believe? I want to believe in me I want to see What am I meant for? What am I meant to do? More than just struggle? More than be a mother? More than this shitty room? In this shitty house...

Back in high school I was good at being fake. I was good at acting as though everything was okay. I was good at putting a smile on my face and being confident. I was good at caking on makeup and making sure to dress as fashionably as possible. I was good at being someone I wasn't. All along, I was hurting. My parents marriage was falling apart, I was a young and dumb teenager going through changes and making poor decisions. I was insecure because I allowed boys to control the way I saw myself. I sought out approval from any guy that gave me attention, I had no real friends, I felt alone, and self-loathing. What a terrible waste of time. In middle school I was happy, legitimately confident and outgoing. I loved talking to everyone. At 15 I started dating the guy I had practically been in love with since I was 8. Over the course of the following year and a half, I broke. The me everyone knew was gone. Not only did I blame myself but I internalized every negative emotion which ...