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Laughing At My Own Stupidity

Back in high school I was good at being fake. I was good at acting as though everything was okay. I was good at putting a smile on my face and being confident. I was good at caking on makeup and making sure to dress as fashionably as possible. I was good at being someone I wasn't.

All along, I was hurting. My parents marriage was falling apart, I was a young and dumb teenager going through changes and making poor decisions. I was insecure because I allowed boys to control the way I saw myself. I sought out approval from any guy that gave me attention, I had no real friends, I felt alone, and self-loathing.

What a terrible waste of time.

In middle school I was happy, legitimately confident and outgoing. I loved talking to everyone. At 15
I started dating the guy I had practically been in love with since I was 8. Over the course of the following year and a half, I broke. The me everyone knew was gone. Not only did I blame myself but I internalized every negative emotion which lead the way for a bumpy road ahead. The way I saw it, the fact he was dealing with depression was my fault. He said I didn't know how to smile and made me feel like I could never do anything right. Slowly my life spiraled into a disaster. No one knew anything.

Now I'm here - and let me tell you, "here" has a long road behind it. I know who I am and want to be. I am light hearted, caring and laughing is still one of my favorite things. I am blunt and to the point which can come off as harsh but I don't mean to be . Spontaneity and adventure are keys to living. I am real. I am me.

However, I am also working at a crappy job that I hate and living in a city that I swore I'd move away from after high school. I am unhappy with the fact that I am still here and the fact that I did not pursue my dream of moving away. I visited Washington 2 years ago and from the moment I left I said I would move there. I even looked at schools but never finished any applications. What am I doing with my life? Near to nothing at the moment. It's about time that changes.

My point, enjoy high school. Make friends, talk to someone you can trust, go out and do things, chant at the pep rallies and go to school dances. No one even asked me to prom so I didn't go. Now I realize it was a missed opportunity. I missed SO MANY opportunities to have fun that I look back now and hate high school.

Do what makes you happy, go where you want to be. Stop letting the world - whether it be your job, parents, or even money - hold you back. The body can accomplish anything you put it's mind to.

Allow your passion to live through you, not in you - and most importantly, be yourself along the way.
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