Skip to main content

Noise

Inside my head I'm screaming

the noise never stops
I am tired of feeling like an issue
tissue after tissue I cry
they think to themselves
why why why?
They place ideas and concepts
on who they want me to be
or who they think I am
They are so scared 
they don't even see the real me
standing right here
being open and honest and real
I try to tell them how I feel
And all of a sudden
before I can finish
these things are an issue
I am not doing anything wrong
I am trying my best to stay so strong
I have a beautiful daughter
who matters to me most
and even that is put into question
I am starting to feel more lost 
I am closing
the walls feel like they are caving
they don't even see what I am craving
I want to be close
I want them to know
who I am and want to be
or at least help while I am on the way there
I feel scared
I want to raise her 
while also succeeding
how can I do both?
we need to get away
I don't know how we can stay
it feels like I am suffocating
i need to breathe
please stop trying to change the way
I am
I am me
I am trying me best
not to fail the rest
The chaos around me is so loud
All I want is to feel proud
proud of the mom I have become
and proud of the individual I am
I want you to be proud
I want you to feel joy 
when you think of me
And then the dark thoughts creep in
what is there to be proud of?
I did well in high school 
made good grades
never went to college 
and look what Ive made
I've been divorced and now live at home
I have no job 
just hidden talent
the thoughts fade and I always know
it will be okay
One day I won't say
such things
because I will know in my heart
I did alright
she will be just fine 
and so will I
as long as we have each other
all the other things won't be a bother





Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Curve Ball

Back in July, life threw a curveball and I wound up pregnant, quite surprisingly, again. You know when society (and the box it comes in) says the morning after pill works as long as you take it within 72 hours? Well, I took it 12 hours later and it didn’t work. I thought I was being responsible for preventing pregnancy and it turns out life had other plans, and that’s okay. But those of you who would implode if they got pregnant, NEVER use plan B/ the morning after pill. I did some research and found if you ovulate within that window before you take the pill, it essentially becomes ineffective if there are some strong swimmers in there. So $40 later that tiny little thing was pointless. I was about 4 weeks along the process when I figured out what was happening. My period was late, which it had been for the last 5 months due to stress I presume, but something inside me said it wasn’t just a late period. I had an old test lying around. It was about 6am and I decided to take it before my
1 comment
Read more

Side Effects From The Pill

Just a heads up, this post is going to be personal... And this photo accurately sums up how I feel about the pill.  I started taking the pill around 16 years old to regulate my periods. Since then, I have taken it on and off for the last 6 years. Each time, it has had a pretty negative impact. They tell you it takes 3 months to adjust and though this might be true, I am 100% certain some of us will never adjust, take myself for example, after being on the pill for 7 months this go around.  "Are you taking it at the same time every day?" YES. I have an alarm set. Now that that is answered, lets move along.  Here are some side effects I experienced from taking the pill and how they have changed in the 3 weeks I have been off of it.  1. Extreme depression, mood swings, lots of crying. I had days where I literally did not want to live. All I could do was sit on the couch and hate my life, wanting to end it. This might sound extreme but every bit is true. Si
Post a Comment
Read more

To The Person Who Stole My Phone...

To the person who stole my phone: That little girl on the screensaver is my daughter, she’s two and a half. I work from home, a majority from my phone so I can raise her myself and not send her to daycare. I wake up early and work before she wakes up, I work during her naps and after she goes to sleep at night. I don’t have a college education. I don’t have a fancy car and I have the cheapest line of cell phone service from Walmart.  When you took my phone I lost photos of my daughter and important notes. I lost client information, phone numbers and photo content. What you gave me? Optimism. It could have been worse. You could have stolen my laptop, which has missing keys from my daughter picking them off. You could have stolen my car, which would prevent me from driving to the post office and UPS nearly every day for one of my clients.  Believe me, I know life can be hard and frankly I am sorry that yours has gotten to the point where you have to steal someone's phone. A
Post a Comment
Read more