Look At This Madness

Finding a sense of self identity as a solo mom can be hard. I've been struggling to figure out what makes me happy, aside from my daughter. So I took a moment and asked myself, when am I happy? Whenever I'm outside. So Fourth of July morning my daughter (who will be two on Sunday!!!!) and I hiked up to Pumpkin Rock, in Norco. I only fell on my arse once on the downhill. Definitely did not sit there a moment pretending I did it on purpose in case anyone was watching.  I have taken two different ways up the hill and both are pretty steep. Generally, I don't know if I would recommend this hike to moms with two year olds for that reason. Along with the fact there is a lot of broken glass mixed in with the sand at the top. I don't know about your child, but mine loves to throw sand. If you have good shoes on and know how to make proper foot placements then definitely go fo it though. Ella had a blast and so did I.  Moving along...  Truth be told, the nasty thi

Just a heads up, this post is going to be personal... And this photo accurately sums up how I feel about the pill.  I started taking the pill around 16 years old to regulate my periods. Since then, I have taken it on and off for the last 6 years. Each time, it has had a pretty negative impact. They tell you it takes 3 months to adjust and though this might be true, I am 100% certain some of us will never adjust, take myself for example, after being on the pill for 7 months this go around.  "Are you taking it at the same time every day?" YES. I have an alarm set. Now that that is answered, lets move along.  Here are some side effects I experienced from taking the pill and how they have changed in the 3 weeks I have been off of it.  1. Extreme depression, mood swings, lots of crying. I had days where I literally did not want to live. All I could do was sit on the couch and hate my life, wanting to end it. This might sound extreme but every bit is true. Si

What have I done I'm feeling so down When will this end When will my life begin I feel so trapped My head is screaming The voices all around There's so much sound What will I be? What will I do? Go left, go write Which one is right? "Creative doesn't pay" "Medical is needed" "Sell this for me" "Why isn't it working?" "I need a painter" "Do what's best for you" What is best for me? Who am I anymore So long self identity I used to know I used to believe There used to be hope Now I just hope it ends What is the point? Live to work Send off your love Hello baby sitter My heart is hers And oh does it hurt To know to survive There must be so much sacrifice Am I wasted potential? How do I believe? I want to believe in me I want to see What am I meant for? What am I meant to do? More than just struggle? More than be a mother? More than this shitty room? In this shitty house

When you think of taking your toddler to the beach it can either stir excited feelings or fill you with dread. As a single parent you have to be creative sometimes, especially if you and your tike are going to the beach solo. But trust me, it is possible. I take my daughter with me everywhere, nothing stops us. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful to a first time parent, like myself. 1. Don't overpack! Your arms can only hold so much, and odds are, one of those things will be your toddler. Parenting at all is almost a circus act. I am often amazed at how much my two arms can hold. Bringing an umbrella, a stroller, extra towels, or an icebox is kind of overkill though. It's not like you'll be there for five hours, little ones can only take so much. If anything bring a medium sized towel for the kid. If it is just the two of you, I guarentee the likelihood of a two-ish-year-old sitting happily still while you go swimming is pretty much impossible. 2. Do br

Dating someone for the first time after a terrible break up can be fun yet also terrifying. After splitting with my daughter's father I took a year to focus on my daughter and me and remained male free (well mostly).  After the year was up a guy I had previously dated found his way back into my life and we started back up again. I had no walls, no second thoughts, no lock on my heart. He was pretty good with my daughter. Never harsh with her, just shy and mildly uninvolved. I figured he would adjust. It felt like we had a future, after all, we had dated before. I wasn't scared. I gave him all of me and in return, months later he said he never saw a future for us because my daughter was not his. To say it bluntly, DICK MOVE. It hurt. I can't imagine stringing someone along for months only to tell them it was never going to work because of an innocent child not being theres. My daughter and I are much better off without him, to say the least. Unfortunately, this one left

At the end of the day I hold her tight before laying my daughter down for sleep. We say a prayer and I tell her to "give mama kisses." We give kisses and down she goes. I walk out quietly, close the door and sigh. It is usually around 9pm, not 7:30pm like everyone else seems to stick with. But I am okay with that. Most of the time I go to sleep right after putting her down. As long as I know she isn't going to wake back up from the light noise of me getting in bed across from her crib. Throughout the night we wake each other up so often I end up on the couch, which is okay too. The day usually starts around 5:30 am - 6 am. I roll out of bed (or couch) and make us both spinach and eggs or tofu for breakfast, about halfway through the process she wakes up. "Mama!" I pause to make sure I did in fact here her call. "Mama!" Some mornings she even wakes up singing my name in her own little melody. She always has to have her "baby" in her ar

My uncle passed away last year so my aunt is having an estate sale and moving back to Scotland, where she is from. My mom and her friend were at the house organizing the sale with my aunt. Because I was working this morning, my daughter Ella was with them as well. After working a couple of hours, my sister and I met up at the house and we all went to grab lunch. Little did I know what was about to happen on the car ride over. Ella was quiet on the quick drive, a normal thing. But when I got out of the car and went around to open Ella's door, she had managed to take Aunties (my sister's) lipstick with her and got it EVERYWHERE. Of course it was a red tube of lipstick, so it was almost terrifying to see when I opened her door. I may have screamed. (definitely screamed). We laughed about it, cleaned her up as best as we could and went inside the restaurant. Towards the end of the meal Ella was getting fussy, as she needed a nap after playing with two Scottish Terrier

She stands in front of them, a boy about 8 and a girl around 10. The boy and girl are sitting in chairs waiting while she rarely stays still. At a one and a half, she is a social butterfly full of hugs, waves and smiles. She stands there waving with an ear to ear grin, "Hi." Nothing. She pats the girls knee, still smiling. Nothing. The girl looks up for a moment and a glimmer of hope appears in the toddler's eyes, but the moment is over as the girl and boy continue to stare zombified... ...into cell phones. Whether you realize it or not, cell phones are going to continue to weaken society. All the toddler wanted was a friendly human interaction and it seems so much of society has forgotten what that is. Enjoying someones company is not getting together and staring at your phones. With that said, it is angering to see little babies and toddlers zombified with cell phones while mommy is at the grocery store or the mall. Phones should NEVER be used as a baby sitte