Look At This Madness

Back in high school I was good at being fake. I was good at acting as though everything was okay. I was good at putting a smile on my face and being confident. I was good at caking on makeup and making sure to dress as fashionably as possible. I was good at being someone I wasn't. All along, I was hurting. My parents marriage was falling apart, I was a young and dumb teenager going through changes and making poor decisions. I was insecure because I allowed boys to control the way I saw myself. I sought out approval from any guy that gave me attention, I had no real friends, I felt alone, and self-loathing. What a terrible waste of time. In middle school I was happy, legitimately confident and outgoing. I loved talking to everyone. At 15 I started dating the guy I had practically been in love with since I was 8. Over the course of the following year and a half, I broke. The me everyone knew was gone. Not only did I blame myself but I internalized every negative emotion which

They had lunch last week. Despite a minor feud that had been going on over the last few months they were talking on the phone every night and having lunch or dinner at least twice a week just as they always had. After all, they were not only brothers but the best of friends. Both of them thought they were hilarious when most of the time they were really just hilarious to each other. Bill understood Scott and Scott understood Bill, two peas in a pod. Though best friends they had their differences. Bill knew nothing of technology while Scott was always curious about the new bluetooth speaker or cell phone gadgets. Bill wore Crocs or Uggs and owned a mobile home park in the mountains, Scott dressed a bit more classy and owned a precision and alignment shop in Redlands.  They would stay up late talking and joking around on the phone. No one could make them laugh the way they made each other laugh. They talked to each other in a way they could never talk to any one; they could be th

Growing up my mom fed my sister and me carrots and grapes while all the other kids were eating cookies and potato chips. I hated it. We were trying to prevent what we thought would turn into diabetes - however, this was not the case. Later it was found out that our livers apparently don't process animal products properly, such as red meat and even eggs. Because of this, our bad cholesterol levels were well above average putting us at high risk for heart disease. Moving on to high school, I was tired of eating so healthy all the time that I pretty much jumped into the pool of junk food for the next few years, not giving a care for my body and the risk I was taking. By Junior and Senior year my favorite place to eat was (and still is) In-N-Out and I was making weekly visits. Not to mention anything with bacon was the way to my heart. Moving on to about three months ago, I had some blood work done and sure enough my bad cholesterol levels were high. (confession: the night before my

HATE: 1. Watching rom-coms is actually kind of depressing 2. Suddenly the only people I notice are in fact couples 3. Everyone but me seems to be in a relationship 4. I miss the butterflies 5. My dog is the one who gives me comfort 6. I have to spoon with my dog at night 8. I am stuck kissing my dog's forehead 9. I am stuck holding my dog's paw 10. My dog 11. Practically every song ever created is about love 12. Am I going to wind up a spinster? 13. While my sister already has a wedding fund I'm...oh yeah, single 14. I can't exactly go on double dates... yet 15. I miss really knowing someone 16. Lack of raw conversation with a significant other 17. After talking about how wonderful someone is and making sure the world knows it, only to find out Mr. Wonderful was lying the whole time and now everyone is bound to find out you're single again 18. I know who I am and I know my story but jeez, I can't imagine what people think of me - "Oh wow,

I'm scared to fail - to try so hard only to have arrived no where I'm scared to lose passion - to want so much but not accomplish a thing I'm scared to lose direction - to feel lost in an overwhelming sea of chaos I'm scared to lose someone - to have death hit me harder than anything ever has I'm scared to cease existing - to disappear into a cold oblivion of nowhere I'm scared to not love enough to wake up one day and realize I should've loved harder I believe in success - in the fact I can do anything I put my mind to I believe in passion - in wanting something so much you'll accomplish it I believe in direction - in the fact I am along the road of prosperity I believe in appreciation - in appreciating people and who they are in your life I believe in living - in living life to the fullest and taking the road less traveled I believe in cherishing - in treasuring especially those close to your heart

Featured: slightly crooked post-sunset at Seal Beach, CA I can confidently say this past weekend has been one of the best I've had. California is truly a great place to live. One day I am hiking in the snow with a group of great people and the next I find myself at Seal Beach with a good friend. And the best part? I had fun. The bruises of falling countless times while we off trailed in the snow and the stubbed toe I got from walking bare foot at the beach are all worth it because in the end, I lived. This is all to say, don't take things for granted. Appreciate the world we live in. It wasn't really until yesterday I realized how great I have it living in California. There's a lot of world to explore and a lot of memories waiting to be made. Now get out there and make them! *encouraging fist in the air*

His wondering mind has gotten the best of him before and his future won't be much different. He'll find a girl who is perfect. But then again, they all were. She has just enough rebellion in her blood but not so much as to make an imbalance. They are perfect for each other because of the fact they balance each other out. After two years of dating they will get married and after two years of an okay marriage he will wonder once again. Too many shots and two handful hits of weed and he's gone. Now begins the blackout. He won't remember most of everything that happened except for the girl he cheated with. She was a brunette, spunky, playful and worst of all, tempting. The worst part though is he fell into the temptation. His mind in a dark oblivion, knowing it was wrong but being to heavily influenced to stop. The next morning he'll lie there feeling empty, full of regret, and a clouded mind. What have I done? he'll think to himself. The girl who was once p

This morning my face was exceptionally rosy and I came up with the (horrible) idea of making a cinnamon, water, and peppermint extract mixture. The idea was to use it as a sort of toner in hopes of settling down the redness.  This has been one of my least brightest moments in life because seconds later my face was burning and bright red. Please take note: PEPPERMINT EXTRACT WILL NOT REDUCE REDNESS OF THE SKIN. IT ISN'T A BAD IDEA TO GOOGLE THIS BEFORE FINDING OUT THE HARD WAY LIKE I DID. Anyway, I had work today and  did not want to show up looking like a literal red head, so for once I decided to put on all my makeup. (I have 90% stopped wearing makeup all together except for on rare occasions like today). This has been the result: My mum was staring at me in a funny way so I finally asked why. "You just look so pale and your lips are so dark... I'm not used to seeing you like this." To which I responded, "That's because my face is normally makeup-less

What is your biggest regret?  I stopped to think about mine. I couldn't quite pin point it but one thing I realized is that if I continued to live the way I was, I would wind up with a lot of regret. So what have I changed? I've been living outside my comfort zone and trying new things. I'd highly recommend this lifestyle because not only am I happier but I feel alive and less stressed out. My regret for the past few years could be summed up like this: dwelling on the past, never going outside my comfort zone and not really enjoying myself.  Since my lifestyle change, I have rekindled old friendships and made a couple new ones. I used to think I was so different from everyone else in the world but then I realized I was just being narrow-minded.  Random side note: a boyfriend should never make you stop hanging out with friends that are the opposite sex I have gone out to dinner with people I don't know, five minutes after being asked. I have hiked to the

My sister Brooke had been craving Starbucks so this morning we finally went. As we pull up to the drive thru there is a beautiful, shiny, white as snow Corvette. We were practically drooling over it the entire time. Acknowledging the curves, the lines and discussing whether we liked the old circular lights or the newer rectangular lights in the back. Personally, the newer Corvettes are incredibly sexy. The older ones are nice, very attractive, but these new ones really just do it for me. My sister on the other hand prefers the older lights, just as the one in front of us has. "I'm pretty sure it's a stingray," she says, always sounding so intelligent and knowing way more about the details than I do. "I'm physically attracted to this car," I joked around. Brooke even noticed the nice sound it made whereas my 2000 Subaru Outback was a pipsqueak in comparison. As we reach the window the cashier says, "The lady in front of you paid for your guy'

One of the hardest parts, in my opinion, with moving forward in forming relations, is finding someone who will accept all of you and get along with all of you. Sure, I can get along with the surface of just about anyone from any background, but when it comes to the heart, it can be hard to open up. One of my biggest fears is finding an individual who fits like a puzzle piece but when it gets down to the worst of the worst I have too much to accept. Am I even making sense? Small talk is nice at times. Hi, how was your day? Good and yours? Busy. Typically when I ask how someones day is, I literally want to know how their day was. I care. I want the best for people. I noticed that it can be a challenge to not explode personal information. I want to know you and I want you to know me but I have to remember that it takes time to get to know someone. Nothing should be rushed. After all, the strongest and tallest trees all grew slowly, just as any relationship should. Would be nice to