Look At This Madness

Talk about madness, since my last post, I: -Dyed my hair blue -Moved to Washington from California -Dyed my hair reddish brown -Started working at Michaels Arts and Crafts Store -Found out I was pregnant -Moved back to California -Dyed my hair blonde -Got married to the love of my life -Moved into a 3 bedroom house -Started an Ebay account that I have high hopes for And now my days consist of: -Baby feet kicking my ribs and other organs, like my bladder -Baby clothes -Grocery shopping and cooking -Painting signs on old planks of wood -Trying to find as many people to do henna on as I can -Cleaning the house -Running errands -Selling anything I have on apps -Working for my mom So whether you read all of those or not, my following blog posts will be about the madness that is being a wife, cooking, and a soon to be mother and around July 8, when baby Ella is due, about being a stay at home mom. Heads up, I know absolutely nothing of babies, I have never really b...

Back in high school I was good at being fake. I was good at acting as though everything was okay. I was good at putting a smile on my face and being confident. I was good at caking on makeup and making sure to dress as fashionably as possible. I was good at being someone I wasn't. All along, I was hurting. My parents marriage was falling apart, I was a young and dumb teenager going through changes and making poor decisions. I was insecure because I allowed boys to control the way I saw myself. I sought out approval from any guy that gave me attention, I had no real friends, I felt alone, and self-loathing. What a terrible waste of time. In middle school I was happy, legitimately confident and outgoing. I loved talking to everyone. At 15 I started dating the guy I had practically been in love with since I was 8. Over the course of the following year and a half, I broke. The me everyone knew was gone. Not only did I blame myself but I internalized every negative emotion which ...

They had lunch last week. Despite a minor feud that had been going on over the last few months they were talking on the phone every night and having lunch or dinner at least twice a week just as they always had. After all, they were not only brothers but the best of friends. Both of them thought they were hilarious when most of the time they were really just hilarious to each other. Bill understood Scott and Scott understood Bill, two peas in a pod. Though best friends they had their differences. Bill knew nothing of technology while Scott was always curious about the new bluetooth speaker or cell phone gadgets. Bill wore Crocs or Uggs and owned a mobile home park in the mountains, Scott dressed a bit more classy and owned a precision and alignment shop in Redlands.  They would stay up late talking and joking around on the phone. No one could make them laugh the way they made each other laugh. They talked to each other in a way they could never talk to any one; they could b...

Growing up my mom fed my sister and me carrots and grapes while all the other kids were eating cookies and potato chips. I hated it. We were trying to prevent what we thought would turn into diabetes - however, this was not the case. Later it was found out that our livers apparently don't process animal products properly, such as red meat and even eggs. Because of this, our bad cholesterol levels were well above average putting us at high risk for heart disease. Moving on to high school, I was tired of eating so healthy all the time that I pretty much jumped into the pool of junk food for the next few years, not giving a care for my body and the risk I was taking. By Junior and Senior year my favorite place to eat was (and still is) In-N-Out and I was making weekly visits. Not to mention anything with bacon was the way to my heart. Moving on to about three months ago, I had some blood work done and sure enough my bad cholesterol levels were high. (confession: the night before my ...

HATE: 1. Watching rom-coms is actually kind of depressing 2. Suddenly the only people I notice are in fact couples 3. Everyone but me seems to be in a relationship 4. I miss the butterflies 5. My dog is the one who gives me comfort 6. I have to spoon with my dog at night 8. I am stuck kissing my dog's forehead 9. I am stuck holding my dog's paw 10. My dog 11. Practically every song ever created is about love 12. Am I going to wind up a spinster? 13. While my sister already has a wedding fund I'm...oh yeah, single 14. I can't exactly go on double dates... yet 15. I miss really knowing someone 16. Lack of raw conversation with a significant other 17. After talking about how wonderful someone is and making sure the world knows it, only to find out Mr. Wonderful was lying the whole time and now everyone is bound to find out you're single again 18. I know who I am and I know my story but jeez, I can't imagine what people think of me - "Oh wow,...

I'm scared to fail - to try so hard only to have arrived no where I'm scared to lose passion - to want so much but not accomplish a thing I'm scared to lose direction - to feel lost in an overwhelming sea of chaos I'm scared to lose someone - to have death hit me harder than anything ever has I'm scared to cease existing - to disappear into a cold oblivion of nowhere I'm scared to not love enough to wake up one day and realize I should've loved harder I believe in success - in the fact I can do anything I put my mind to I believe in passion - in wanting something so much you'll accomplish it I believe in direction - in the fact I am along the road of prosperity I believe in appreciation - in appreciating people and who they are in your life I believe in living - in living life to the fullest and taking the road less traveled I believe in cherishing - in treasuring especially those close to your heart

Featured: slightly crooked post-sunset at Seal Beach, CA I can confidently say this past weekend has been one of the best I've had. California is truly a great place to live. One day I am hiking in the snow with a group of great people and the next I find myself at Seal Beach with a good friend. And the best part? I had fun. The bruises of falling countless times while we off trailed in the snow and the stubbed toe I got from walking bare foot at the beach are all worth it because in the end, I lived. This is all to say, don't take things for granted. Appreciate the world we live in. It wasn't really until yesterday I realized how great I have it living in California. There's a lot of world to explore and a lot of memories waiting to be made. Now get out there and make them! *encouraging fist in the air*